About life after …
This year there was still no report on how life is after the collapse of all illusions. On the one hand, all the most interesting and characteristic has already been told the last time, on the other – further changes and observations become more subtle and it is more and more difficult to express them.
This is about how to switch from vodka to wine for the first time – at first the contrast is very strong. The color is different, the taste is different, the degree is less, the hangover is softer. But if you continue to drink wine further, then it ceases to be a revelation and you simply begin to distinguish more and more subtle flavoring nuances. They seem to be obvious, but it is very difficult to convey them to someone who still drinks vodka – it would seem that we are talking about ephemeral things that do not matter. Some sort of bouquet, fullness, tannins and other enological nonsense. But only in reality this is not nonsense, but a fundamental change in the perception of life and a movement towards an ever deeper disclosure of its true taste.
What is described in a couple of recent articles about the minefield and the meaning of life contains a hint of how it lives after total awareness that there is no point, and the minefield is full freedom and the incredible beauty of the moment … even when this very moment filled to the brim with acute pain and there is not the slightest possibility to change anything. Unconditional “Yes!” To everything that happens … even “No!” That sometimes explodes from the very depths of the soul.
It is not a great honor to be able to appreciate the beauty of the sunset and enjoy a comfortable state of mind, but try to enjoy your own stupidity and the spiritual pain that it sometimes causes. To see beauty beyond the beautiful and terrible, to appreciate the current moment for what it is, not for what it is filled with, to understand that everything in life is meaningless, but to surrender to this life without a trace – this is an approximate description of what is happening. farther.
When the integrity of the canvas of illusions is once broken, then any ability to believe in the correctness or wrongness of anything else disappears. From the battlefield of good and evil, life turns into a whirlpool of color patterns, where the former irreconcilable enemies are just different shades of the same iridescent cosmic palette. And, even if at some point it seems that white is opposed to black, in fact it is just another curl of the pattern in the infinite universal picture, where all colors and shades are in unbroken dancing balance. Everything is always in its place – always has been and always will be.
Life ceases to be a problem, any antagonism disappears in relation to what happens outside or inside. There is no steering in the hands, but you are absolutely satisfied with where life goes on its own. And in place of previous attempts to change something, comes a deep curiosity and trust in what is. And this is not even humility – it is something more. This is going beyond the limits of protest and consent, where you and everything that happens is one whole that is not capable of approving or rejecting itself, because for this you would have to stop being a whole … which is by definition impossible. God cannot praise or scold himself, because he does not even suspect his existence.
Well, if to speak more simply, from a more personal and practical point of view, then at this stage, life has turned from an eternal battlefield into a playground, on the one hand, where you can do anything you want, and on the other – into something fleeting and elusive all the time, but at the same time unspeakably valuable in its elusiveness and beauty.
You no longer want – there is no motive, no sense – to understand something, you want to live and experience everything that you can live and experience. No new desires have appeared and, probably, will not appear, but all the prohibitions and barriers in respect of desires, which were not given due attention before, are gone. You start to do and try in life what you always wanted, but did not have time or got used to forbid it.
Perhaps, when the list of unmanaged desires is exhausted, some next stage will come, because this is very similar to the process of cleaning up tailings, which will end one day. But for now, everything is as it is – finally everything can be done, finally, it doesn’t care who thinks what to do about it, which means it’s time to do everything that I had previously refused.
Another change is what exactly and in what way one wants to experience. It is difficult to find adequate words here, but this is something about intimacy and depth. If earlier you looked like an eternally hungry child who, without analyzing the taste and quality, pounces on any food that accidentally got and stuffs her stomach and pockets with it, now you are becoming very selective and you will rather be hungry than stuffing surrogates and semi-finished products.
Now I want a deep, subtle and intense experiences, and not a banal hunger quench. To continue to “drink vodka” is no longer possible, because intoxication loses all meaning, and in the first place comes the wealth of taste and aroma.