Who is extreme in a relationship?
Printed publications continue to join the real psychology 🙂 This time the Nizhny Novgorod weekly publication Novoe Delo.
Questions, of course, are not so hot, which are original, but there is also an interest in their consideration. Sometimes, the answer cannot be found precisely because the question is formulated incorrectly, but it is worth asking it correctly, the problem being solved itself crumbles like a house of cards.
In general, the questions that were sent to me, did not intentionally correct, did not answer, as is. There they had some kind of story with a reader who was outraged by the idea that in one of the published articles women were asked to reflect on their role in the relationship, respectively, and the questions were asked along these lines.
ND: Is a woman really responsible for family relations in the first place? Does it mean that she should constantly adapt to a man?
If a psychologist allows himself to speak in such a way, then you can no longer listen to him. However, you can guess where this question comes from. The fact is that modern society is built in such a way as to primarily please women. We live in FEMALE society. Maybe it is not obvious at first glance, but it is. And men in this society are at a disadvantage – they are expected to serve the beloved woman, they are expected to unconditional chivalry and self-denial.
Women struggled for social equality with men for so long that they bent the stick hard and now they themselves are suffering from it. From housekeepers women turned into a mistress, waiting for submission and subservience from men. In words, they, of course, speak of beautiful love in a hut, but between the words comes through – “If a man loves a woman, he should be this and that. Therefore, my dear, be kind, bend down so that it would be more convenient for me to climb your neck – I will continue to lead. ”
And since women have long captured key posts in the area that defines the strategy and technology for raising children, this nonsense has been driven into small heads since childhood. Girls are taught to sell themselves at a higher price, not literally, of course, but boys are taught to take women’s games for granted.
As a result, many relationships do not add up due to the fact that, de facto, it is the woman who has more rights in the family, and men are forced to either give up their will in favor of the woman, or everyone around will consider them men as poor quality, wrong. And then the woman has the right to feel like a victim – her husband is a bastard, and she is a princess who deserves more.
Therefore, psychologists often have to restore balance in relationships and teach women to moderate their pride, and men to be more firm and resistant to feminine fads. So it turns out that in many families a woman really needs to learn to adapt to a man and stop trying to remake him for herself.
However, this does not mean that the responsibility for the relationship lies primarily with the woman. In no case. Both partners are responsible for the relationship in a completely equal way. Only by virtue of education, women are much more demanding and capricious in terms of relationships. For a woman, relationships are everything, and for men, relationships are only a narrow segment of life. Therefore, it turns out the advantage in the direction of women. A woman wants something all the time, and a man just shrugs it off.
Balance in a relationship appears when both partners truly value and respect each other and — most importantly — equally want to maintain good relations.
ND: How and to what degree should a man be involved in maintaining relationships?
Obligation is a completely wrong approach when it comes to relationships. Nobody owes anything to anyone in this life. The question itself is incorrect, but again it is completely understandable where his legs grow from.
Many and many relationships persist solely under the pressure of circumstances, external or internal. Think about it – people stay together not because they really WANT this, but because it is necessary, because the marriage vow was given, because friends will laugh and relatives will die, because children, because it is scary to be alone. And so on.
In all these cases, in order to maintain the relationship, you really need to do something. Both partners “must” abide by some kind of treaty in the spirit of the cold war – “You fulfill my requirements, and I, maybe, yours.” Then you can talk about who, how much and what each other should.
And when relationships keep on the natural desire to be together, on common interests, on mutual respect, on those pleasures that can only be obtained together, then there is no need to do anything specifically for the relationship – everything is done by itself, and not from the sticks.
So, if everything came to such a formulation of the question, that a man should do something for a relationship, or that a woman should do something, then perhaps it would be more appropriate to ask another question – is it worth continuing this relationship?