Do children need love?
Well, a little spontaneous vacation is over. We return to our neurotic and psychological sheep.
The other day I received an interesting letter from one of the readers. She talks about her life, about relationships. He speaks well and quite reasonably argues, but I stumbled over one thought that sounded to her – they say, the child needs parental love … and then Ostap suffered.
To argue about love, parental or some other, is generally a bad habit. In the same way, one can argue about the meaning of life in the period of global crisis. This is all empty, fiction, illusion – a beautiful fairy tale that allows you to hide your head in the sand under a specious excuse for all.
Love that is not expressed in actual behavior is not love. And in fact it can be noted that the greatest lovers to speculate about beautiful feelings, in their behavior not a drop of love to demonstrate just not able to.
Just do not confuse the manifestation of love with gifts on February 14 and other ostentatious signs of attention – these are just regulated courtship rituals, and not an expression of love. And coffee in bed is not love. And the promise of life to give for each other is also not love. And all the warmest / passionate hugs are, damn, not love either.
You do not need to “love” – just learn how to relate well to another person. It will be much more valuable than beautiful love in words and mutual annihilation in everyday actions. Do not try to achieve an abstract ideal, about which you still don’t know anything, do something simple but concrete.
Love is too high a bar to allow yourself to wipe at it. No need to deceive yourself. Only individuals who have come a very long way can love. And even they will not argue about their love or prove it to someone verbally, because words are not the instrument with which to express what needs to be expressed here.
Love is one of those redundant entities that old Ockham didn’t recommend.
But let us return to the children and the question of whether they need this very love, which so often “smart and sensible” parents flaunt.
A child needs healthy communication, not love. Love is too ephemeral to be needed by a child – he just does not know what this love is. He knows about the rumbling in his stomach – here he doesn’t need to explain anything.
Communication, on the other hand, is the very specifics, the very experience that allows the child to build an adequate opinion about himself and his place among other people. Without good adequate communication, the child is at a loss.
The formation of the child’s self-perception occurs on the basis of how others relate to it. A child does not have his own personality until the people around him demonstrate their attitude towards him. The primary identity of the child is entirely what others think of him.
The child’s ego is a projection of parents and other people on a small creature that interferes under their feet. God and nature do not create consciousness, it is created by parents through their attitude and upbringing. And if the parents lie to themselves about love and other exalted things, the child is in a very difficult position. Only for the time being he doesn’t know about it, because now he still takes everything at face value (and parents really like that the child believes every false word of them).
In the first years of his life, the child does not have his own self – he treats himself as an observer, and for the time being, he speaks about himself in the third person. And when he “speaks” this, then he does not speak on his own behalf, not his own opinion, he repeats the opinion of his parents.
The parents said “Seryozha is bad” and Seryozha, who, as an autonomous person, does not yet exist, repeats – “Aha! Seryozha means bad … we will know. ” Notice, the child repeats the parents, but he has not yet spoken about himself, for him “Seryozha” is a separate being. He and “Seryozha” are not the same thing.
So in the foundation of his personality are laid the bricks of what he learned about himself from others. But the parents are usually very lousy judges to issue some adequate judgments about the child. Therefore, the child’s opinion of himself from the very beginning is quite distorted.
And later, when the memory already begins to collect in the head an already more or less holistic image of the personality of this virtual “Serezha”, a quantum leap of consciousness occurs and the child from the “observer of Sergei” himself becomes this “Serge”.
Now he can say with full confidence about himself “I am bad.” He has no idea why he is bad and what is wrong with him in general, but he doesn’t have a drop of doubt about it. Now he is no longer an impartial observer, now he is the heap of conflicting parental opinions.
From the all-inclusive Self, the focus of awareness shifts to the Procrustean bed of the Ego, which arises artificially under the pressure of parental education.