How to save a relationship?
First, a little offtopic, and then to the stated topic.
It’s hard to be a perfectionist — all or nothing, and nothing else. We have to slow down, persuade ourselves that, they say, it will do so, but there is always that border that cannot be crossed – the minimum acceptable quality level of the work done, without which the work is considered not done at all.
What is it for? To the fact that literally today I was about to launch a new forum – and the technical base was ready, and the announcement was written, but now it was necessary to happen so “on time” – a new, much more advanced version of the forum came out, which I was waiting for, but I did not expect it to appear so soon. I would have known – initially I would have adapted the entire system for it, but now I have to redo many things again.
In general, the launch is postponed for at least another week – you need to re-turn the design and reprogram something for the new version of the engine. I would not be a perfectionist, I would give up, but my soul does not lie in order to launch the system in a form that does not quite suit me.
Well, to brighten up the wait a little, here is a small piece of psychology for thinking and discussion.
Saving relationships – losing yourself
A letter came here recently that struck a chord … in a bad way. You know how it happens, you read, and really want to give the addressee in the face. Sadly so, without any hatred, but just so that he fell on his ass and would come out of surprise from his obsession. Wedge wedge, so to speak. Damn it, people, well, how can you be such an idiot !?
Not every day, but several times a week, letters come in with questions on how to save relationships that have collapsed, how to return a person who has left, how to keep someone who is about to leave. The fixed idea is to keep the relationship at all costs, even when there is no relationship for a long time. The cat died – you need to bury it … but no, let’s do artificial respiration – and what if a miracle happens.
Just imagine that you have an expensive beautiful vase with which you have a long neurotic relationship. And once, once again, blowing dust from it, you sneeze at the wrong time, and it slips out of your hands. That’s it, vase is over. She has not yet reached the floor, and you already know that she cranks. My heart sank, my breath caught, the sound of breaking glass and the tears in my eyes.
What happens next? Normally, a broom, a scoop, a trash can and … finally, a place on the shelf was made – I missed it so much! What usually happens? Running into the hardware store for superglue and back home – glue the fragments together with trembling hands, until no one, God forbid, saw it.
And this is not because the vase is so pitiful. That is, it is a pity, of course, but the main fear is completely different – we just fear any finality with the uncertainty that follows it, and also we are afraid of the fact that the vase was broken not by itself, but because of our own clumsiness. This is me – Krivorukov, and therefore the vase is no more. On the vase to spit – much worse to recognize their own curvature. And the conclusion is terrible, which follows from this – that no normal vase with me, such a freak, will want to get involved and I will never have my own vase again.
You understand that this is me about the relationship now, and not about the vase? Just asked…
So here. All right, if the vase were antique, unique, of historical value, then attempts to preserve it would have been clear. But do not lie to yourself that the person in whom you clung like that vase is the only one in the world. Nothing like that! There are millions of the same, and maybe even better. And they are not somewhere far away – they are right here around. The only thing that does is not its uniqueness. This is a purely psychological game that you play with yourself, endowing a completely ordinary person with magical value due to the fact that he believes and supports your self-deception.
And if you can look at all this honestly, you will see that the horror of the situation is not in the loss of a unique and unique person in the world, but in those spiritual anxieties that inevitably accompany the stage of rapprochement with a new person. And in the fear that going through it all again will be too difficult. This is a great test – to enter into a relationship with a person, open up, show your sore points and risk being hit on them. And without this, there is no way – after all, the whole thrill of relationships is in order to open up and relax and not be destroyed at the same time. Establishing a relationship is always dangerous, painful, anxious, and requires considerable effort on oneself, and it is then that it is just that these wasted forces that it is a pity when relationships fall apart.
But the vase is already broken. It’s all over. It can be glued together, but it will be like that corpse, which, after careful processing, looks “as alive”.
Relationships begin as a way to feed their complexes, and then these well-fed and satisfied complexes just beat relationships. And nothing can be done about it.