About building relationships
Vacation is over. If someone misses, you can read the trip report on the forum, here: travel notes. Slowly back to work.
The advantage of such trips is that among other things it happens to meet and get close to ordinary people – not psychologists and not patients – and see how they live. Sometimes it is thought-provoking.
One of these meetings showed an interesting example of how blindly and irresponsibly people approach their relationship. These were two friends who had a long and warm relationship. Both of them carefully and with interest read the articles on this site, but they turned out to be completely unable to put them into practice in their relationships. It may be that the articles dealt with love relationships, and here there were purely friendly relations, but this is some kind of weak excuse, because there is no difference – all relationships are the same.
So here. Everything in their relationship was, in general, good. Ordinary friendship based on mutual emotional support. Introvert and extrovert – all, as a textbook. And given that this friendship has lasted for many years, it can be said with confidence that they have found some balance in the relationship for themselves, and this friendship regularly performed its neurotic psychological function. But, like everyone else, there were some rough edges in this relationship …
The details of what exactly didn’t work there, are not important – the usual clashes and mutual claims on the ground of unreasonable expectations and some minor understatements. Another thing is interesting – even though both of them showed an interest in psychology and were people, in general, are not stupid, they did absolutely nothing and did not intend to do this to polish these rough edges.
They treated each other very well, valued this relationship, but they simply turned a blind eye to the existing problems — either “and it’s okay”, or “in every barrel of honey …” That is, they both clearly accumulated dissatisfaction with each other. , but they are accustomed to put up with it for the good and valuable that they still got from each other. So it usually happens in a relationship.
When a car breaks down, it lowers the wheel, the engine doesn’t start up very well, the suspension rattles, the lights are off — we take it quite calmly and businesslike. We can repair ourselves – we repair, we can not – we give and pay to those who can. Very seldom there are people who drive a car that is known to be faulty, and there are usually good reasons for that.
But for some reason, everything happens differently in relationships – even when they are obviously faulty, people often continue to ride them until they collapse completely. Sometimes the principle of “self pass” is triggered, sometimes people have their nose shut and their ears continue to ride on a rattling, smelly, crumbling car all their life, sometimes relationships still fall apart, like any other thing, if it is broken for a long time. And, apparently, very rarely anyone undertakes to repair their relationship, not to mention any preventive procedures and planned maintenance.
Rather, attempts to repair it happen quite often, but usually it looks like beating a driven horse with a whip in an attempt to make it stand up and happily ride another hundred or two kilometers. All these scandals, insults and tantrums that people roll to each other, or more subtle forms of manipulation, in which, as they say, no animal has suffered – all this does not heal the relationship, but only cripples them more.
It could be understood if the case was a lack of knowledge on the repair and maintenance of relations. It could be understood if the problems in the relationship were not as obvious as is the case with hidden defects in complex mechanisms. In the first case, it was possible to prompt and teach which screws and in which direction to twist, where to knock, where to lubricate, where to replace.