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How to stop suffering parting with a man?

How to learn not to react painfully to a person who was dear, and then you did very badly in life? At least not to cry, seeing a nickname on the Internet or similar – on the street?

The answer in the framework of the action Ask a question to a psychologist!

The topic of human relations has been repeatedly addressed in the materials of the site. As applied to a given question, I recommend reading the article carefully about pride and nothingness, and the male audience of the site will additionally read articles about family relationships and two types of male behavior.

From the question it follows that we are talking about relationships that have ended, but continue to torment the soul. In psychology, this is called the “unfinished situation.” Formal separation is never enough to cut off all binding threads. Especially when it comes to relationships tied to mutual spiritual weakness.

I speak of weakness because it is possible to inflict mental pain on a person only when he is in psychological dependence on a partner. Resentment, anger, jealousy and similar feelings arise only when you expect something from a person, when you need his recognition, love and loyalty. This is a common thing, but it is not normal.

People – especially in opposite-sex relationships – very rarely communicate “without a back thought.” Consciously or not, both partners always have some kinds of each other, some plans, some hopes and fantasies. And the more these “frills”, the higher the likelihood that one day a partner will present a surprise, will not meet expectations, will show its true face. Then there are insults to tears – “I thought, and you, it turns out …”

Judging by the question, we can assume that this is a relationship of this type, when there was a deep emotional penetration into each other, a lot of hopes and expectations. And then something happened that immediately erased all dreams and ideas about a partner (boyfriend or girlfriend is not important). And the disappointment that arose from the fact that the person is not the one who wanted to see him was the cause of a break in relations.

However, by itself, parting can not relieve the pain of resentment. They say that time heals, but, in relation to such situations, it is a lie. Time only makes it possible to hide their experiences deeper, even to complete oblivion. But the emotions themselves from this do not fade away and are pulled out at the first opportunity – “when you meet a nickname on the Internet and look like on the street.”

If you do not remind of a painful situation for a long time, then, of course, you can completely push it out of consciousness. But this is akin to trying to forget about his sore appendicitis. You can stop the pain, but in most cases it is fatal.

So, we can say that in your situation, the separation happened only on the external level. And inside you continue to worry, be offended, jealous, and so on. The pain that you have inflicted will not disappear from the fact that you broke up, and will remind you of yourself until you really understand it, until the situation is finally completed.

To do this you need to act in concert on two fronts – intellectual and emotional. First of all, you need to very clearly understand what emotions are boiling inside, what exactly offended you, exactly what expectations were destroyed. This is what is called sorting out feelings. You can take a paper and a pen and just start recording the chronology of events external and internal in all details, while there is nothing more to add. Such work allows you to look at the situation more soberly and thereby reduce emotional stress.

The next stage, think about this. Everyone has the right to be himself as he is. Nobody owes us anything. In this world, every man for himself. And even the promises given to us do not give us the right to consider someone to be our debtor. It is clear that I want to find someone on whom you can fully rely on in everyday and emotional terms, but this will never happen. This is just a fairy tale that is told to children about human relations.

The person who has done wrong with you is not guilty of anything before you. All your painful experiences are solely your responsibility. That your expectations were not fulfilled, it was you hoping that this person would behave in your opinion. Without these aspirations, there would be no frustration. In fact, – sorry for the “diagnosis” – it’s about your own childhood. You need to grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

But the mind alone does not resolve this situation. Emotions are not subject to intellectual exercise. For emotions to subside, they need a way out. In the most primitive form, you just need to express your feelings to the offender – throw out the accumulated aggression. But this is really the most primitive option.

It is much better to learn how to let your emotions out without involving other people, because this only prolongs dependence on someone else’s participation in your life. But it is precisely this need that plunged you into such a painful situation.

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