Keep your distance
This is the most important rule from which all others follow. When a man and a woman enter into a new relationship, they have an uncharted territory for each other. They rediscover each other and rejoice at every step that has been made. Moreover, ultimately they seek to become one indivisible whole – this is often considered the epitome of the ideal of love relationships.
But with each step made for a rapprochement, the relationship leaves the lightness and novelty. At first, she exchanges for a sweet opportunity to fully open up in front of each other and this seems like a fair exchange. In love, people are specifically looking for this opportunity to open up – so that the partner will recognize you and accept you with all the giblets. They cannot reconcile themselves from the inside, so they want someone to reconcile with them from the outside.
Already at this stage, many relationships begin to fall apart, because everyone wants to be loved, but few know how to love. It is impossible to accept another person as he is, if you cannot accept yourself in all your qualities and manifestations. But nobody usually thinks about this, and the rapprochement continues.
Because of the same self-doubt, men and women tend to bind each other to themselves. It seems to them that having locked themselves in one cell, they will be able to protect their relationship. Therefore, they want to control each other. All these inquiries about the time spent separately, the desire to know everything about each other, the desire to be in touch all the time – behind this is the desire to keep abreast … just in case.
Thus, the uncertainty and inner anxiety of the partners, pushes them towards, causes them to penetrate deeper and intertwined with each other. The romantic tale of the second half, the person who comes and fills the gaping inner emptiness, is the dream of hiding from his anxieties in the arms of another person. Therefore, the rapprochement to complete unity with each other is considered the very essence and basis of good relations.
I describe all this in order to show how powerful a force drives people who have entered into love relationships towards each other. And it is precisely this tendency that, first of all, must be learned to overcome in oneself.
People are being pushed by their fears. The fear of being alone, the fear of life, the fear of one’s inner world, the fear of responsibility, the fear of losing love, the fear of losing each other are sheer fears and anxieties. In such a rut, relationships quickly lose their pure primordial essence and become a way of avoiding the difficulties of life.
And for a normal healthy relationship, such mutual penetration is completely unnecessary. It is not necessary to know everything about each other to get full enjoyment of communication. If you do not bind yourself with oaths in eternal love and loyalty, relationships do not become lightweight and superficial, on the contrary, they become more honest and sober, and that is why – more pleasant and durable.
To keep a person close, you do not need to put him in a cage – you need to give him freedom. It is the fear of losing a loved one that most often leads to loss. All this jealousy, suspicion and the desire to put each other on a chain – this is why relations become heavy and tedious.
But that is not all. Unrestricted rapprochement with each other has a lot of other negative and dangerous consequences for the relationship.
As soon as there is a feeling that this person belongs to me, a false feeling immediately arises that I have certain rights to this person, that I can demand something from him, that he now owes me something, and that I can blame him for not fulfilling the obligations imposed on him.
It is from this moment that the partners begin to become impudent about each other – mutual manipulations, offenses and whims begin. Care, tolerance and respect for each other gradually disappear from relationships. Now you can shout to each other from the next room – “Hey, you’re there, make me coffee!” And the like.
What a man and a woman would never allow themselves to do in the first weeks of their acquaintance becomes appropriate and normal after six months. It may seem that this is the very freedom of expression, which is so valuable in close relationships, but in fact it is the loss of caution and the loss of all control over yourself. The very moment where you should keep yourself in hand, but you want so much so that you can relax completely next to your loved one.
And the point is not that in order to preserve the relationship, one must continue to demonstratively look after each other, as recommended in glossy magazines. Artificial courtship does not solve anything and always look forced. Loss of interest in each other is a consequence of excessive shortening of the distance. It is necessary to disperse a little bit to the sides, and the woman will again enjoy dressing up for her man, and in return he will be pleased to be a gallant cavalier (or impudent robber, to taste and color).